First Day

So here we are, first day of school. Kids, parents and teachers are all excited and nervous about this Big Day. But I think the hardest part for the mom is putting on a happy face and pretending you're excited and that all will be well. I HATE the first day of school. I can't stop crying, it's way too quiet, and I feel lost. Of course, in a couple of days I know I will relish the routines and the structure, and I will remember how fun it is to have the whole day alone with my Kasidee. But today I just feel lost.

I put on my brave face this morning even though Kiera has had doubts all summer about going back to school. She's really excited about her teacher, but none of her closest friends are in her class. But what she has been really nervous about is that the "School Bully" is in her class. She has heard lots of horror stories about this boy and is terrified that he is in her class. So of course - when I take her to class this morning the desks are set up in pairs. And she is sitting right. next. to. The. Boy. Her face crumpled as she turned into me. Her tiny, quivering voice whispered, "Mama, I can't do this."

Oh man - I felt like my heart would break! I mumbled a few words which seemed to help and she pulled it together. She bravely sat down at her desk. I gave her a quick hug and kiss and kept glancing over my shoulder as I left the room. Then the tears started coming. And coming. As I walked outside, I passed a few moms I know - one said, "Are you really crying?! Boy, I am shouting for JOY!"

Kasidee and I quickly walked home where I was able to do my "Ugly Cry" and talk to my own sweet mom on the phone. I just love having my girls home with me, and I don't like having to wonder and worry about how their day is going when they're not with me. I know, I know - soon I'll be able to focus on the projects I've put on hold and I'll enjoy having some quiet(er) time. But I feel like time is just going too fast! When my girls were babies I thought it was so cute how they would reach out and try to grasp the bath water coming out of the faucet. No matter how much they would grasp, over and over, they just couldn't get a hold of that water. That's how I feel with Time - I keep grasping and grasping, but it just keeps going and I can't make it hold still!

I guess that's what life is all about, and I am reminded that I need to be grateful my girls are still young and not off to college or something. But time just goes too fast. But at least I am loving every single minute! :)